


In the Shadows of the Halls

by Polarissruler



Series: Nonbinary Miki [1]
Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Anxiety, Author projecting onto Karou Miki, Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, Genderfluid Character, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Nonbinary Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:26:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28109295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarissruler/pseuds/Polarissruler
Summary: The first time Miki had hidden in the shadows, away from the school. He hoped he would meet no other there and cry alone.The second time, they had ventured there, looking for somebody. On the way, they want to shine a light on their identity.AKA, a story with nonbinary Miki.
Relationships: Arisugawa Juri & Kaoru Miki, Kaoru Miki & Tenjou Utena
Series: Nonbinary Miki [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2127558
Kudos: 10





	In the Shadows of the Halls

**Author's Note:**

> This is a very personal story. Something I chose to write while navigating through the strange territory of my own gender. While I've tried to keep the characters in characters, perhaps I've let a little too much of me flow over them - especially over Miki. In the end, it became a mixture of my hopes, feelings, and experiences.
> 
> Dedicated to all fanfic authors, who write LGBT content. There's no way I'll read all your stories and there's no way all of you will read this story, but I thank you for helping me to realize who I am, one fic at a time.

Juri walked through a dark hall, squished between two walls. She missed it yesterday. Would it still exist tomorrow, or melt like a dream once she left it? Every day a new maze of windows, walls, classes, and meetings challenged her. Who has lost all sanity - she or the school?

Someone was crying - a familiar, gentle voice. Juri ran, drawn like iron toward a magnet, turning left and right into the depths of the maze. Even at such depth, the light passed through some windows and painted black shades.

A girl was sitting on the floor, hidden in the shadow. Her back arched. She was sobbing in her arms, squashing her face. Tears soaked her hair. Small splotches had formed over her arctic blue, custom uniform.

Another girl, pushed back for daring to stand out? “Hello.” Juri knelt down. “What has happened?”

“Ah!” She went pale. Her back straightened up, squished to the wall. As if hoping to pass through it, she pushed herself with her hands. “No, Miss Juri! Don’t look!”

“Miki?” Juri tensed, a flame burning in her chest. “Miki,” she asked, “who did this to you?” The guilty would suffer. “Did someone force you?”

“Not at all!” Miki cried with shut eyes. His body fluttered like a rose petal in the wind. “I…” He coughed, having cried for so long that he could not breathe. “I chose it.”

Juri leaned on the opposing wall. “Would you like to tell me more? I am already late for the first period. The teacher will close his eyes if I skip classes once.”

“Thank you.” Miki opened his red, swollen eyes. “I can tell you, but the story is stupid. You will dislike it”

“Utena, right?” An arrow shot blind and struck its mark. The pink-haired girl, who brought fresh air to the suffocating castle, caused every change.

“Yes,” Miki panted, trying to catch his breath again. “After she showed up, so proud in her boys uniform, I also gathered my courage. I have always wanted to try the girls' uniform. And now…”

“You regret it?” The arrow flew a few kilometers away from the goal.

“I like it! But…” Miki bowed head down at the floor. “What will Kouze say?” His arms fell by his side, weak like dead branches. “Or Himemiya? Utena fought opinions head-on. Do I share her power?” He clutched the puffy sleeves. “Perhaps I should change before I come to classes.”

Juri rose. “Has Himemiya ever hated Utena for dressing like a boy?” She walked to Miki. “Has any student shown anything but admiration for Utena?”

“Never!” Miki exclaimed. The storm that shook his body calmed down.

“People will accept you.” Juri hugged Miki. “Even if you wear a skirt, or high heels, or mascara. Not everybody,” she sighed as the image of one girl entered her mind. “And maybe not immediately. But as long as they care about you, they will accept everything.”

Miki hugged back his pillar. “Does it ever get easier?” he asked with a firmer voice.

“It does. On some days I could not leave home. I let the others stuff me in a coffin and fasten it. Can you imagine me, crying over my bed because of other people’s opinions?” She hugged Miki. “I overcame this once. You will also do it. And I promise to provide any help you need.”

The first period ended. The bell rang.

“Thank you for everything, Miss Juri.” Miki stood up. “Should we go now? I hope not to miss the second subject.”

“Just a second.” Juri tidied Miki’s hair with her fingers. “Get them, bo…” She stopped and placed a finger on her lips. “Should I stop calling you a boy, Miki? Do you want to be a girl?”

“I cannot answer yet!” Miki replied. “Can you wait until I find the answer?”

“Of course. Tell me once you are ready.”

* * *

Utena stumbled upon yet another odd hall. After ten turns, seven staircases, and four dead-ends, she remained deep in the school. So many years had passed but it still baffled her as on the first day. How did anyone get used to this castle, where doors let to unfamiliar rooms every time? The tickling clock in distance counted the seconds as she trekked through uncharted lands. She had left at noon; perhaps the sun had already set. Ohtori’s thick walls stopped the light.

“Miss Tenjou!” A familiar voice called her from behind.

“Miki!” Utena tapped her forehead. “Am I again in the middle school building?” Her head ached. She had walked mostly forward, right? “Can you… Oh,” she smirked. “Have I started a new trend?”

"You could say so!” Miki wore light makeup - a touch of pink lipstick, a brush of mascara. He put his hand on his waist, over his cobalt skirt. “You gave me this bravery.”

“The old witch will chase me tomorrow.” Utena stuck her nose up, imitating the guidance counselor. “How dare I incite model students to violate the rules?” she laughed. “Did she cause you any problems?”

“Not at all. Miss Juri flaunts her power so much that the counselor must fear the student council. Besides, we can wear custom uniforms.” Miki smiled. “Would you join the stu…”

“Too much responsibility.” Utena brushed it away. “I barely survive after studying, the duels, and my girlfriend swarms.” She sighed. “No compliments for my extensive work. But keep scaring her for me.” The cheerful smile returned to her lips.

“Are you not too cruel?” Miki crossed arms in front of his chest. “She may cling to some old-fashioned morals, but…”

“Talk to me after she has pursued you around the whole school, trying to force a boy’s uniform onto you.” Utena lowered her head. “She soured my opinion some time.”

“I am glad you stayed here, Miss Tenjou. You make life more interesting.”

“Even though I took Himemiya?” Utena stretched her arms above her head, her fingers tangled. “I will never leave. Not until -” Sweet, rose aroma passed under her nose. “- I have found him.” His warm hug echoed over her skin, repeating their promise. “Because of him, I became a prince.” She let her arms down. “Why do you put the girls' uniform on, actually?”

With an effort that would make any hero proud, Miki looked in Utena’s eyes. “Because it feels right.” He blossomed before her - a beautiful rose with bright petals.

Utena patted Miki on the arctic blue sleeve. “You dream of being a princess?”

“Nope.” Miki puffed up. “I dream of being myself. On some days, I love the boys' uniform. On others, it horrified me. Once, I almost wore Kouze’s uniform to school. Because then I was not a boy.”

“Not a boy?” Utena rubbed her chin. “Sometimes you want to be a girl?”

“The answer keeps evading me. It lingers close enough that my fingers can snatch it, then slips through them like a mist. I am still wandering and wondering. At least I have all the time in the world to search.”

“Good luck,” Utena wished him. “Anything else you need to explain?”

“Will you call me they? Instead of he or she. If I am neither a boy nor a girl, those words do not fit me.”

The clock tower rung. Three o’clock.

“Understood.” Utena nodded. “Now, can you lead me out? This place is worse than a maze.

“Follow me, Miss Tenjou!” Miki replied. They walked forward as if the entire campus lay at their feet.


End file.
